Back down.

I’ve been a bit wobbly again for these past few weeks. I think that it’s because of work and I think maybe my antidepressants just aren’t kicking it anymore? I don’t know. I know that they’re not the cure for depression so maybe I do need to go to CBT or something. I have self referral forms which I really should fill out.

I think the main reason I’m feeling so bad is work, like I said. I am being made redundant and it’s been up in the air for over a month now. The company is cutting it’s staff from 97 to 36 I think which is a huge drop. In my office, there is 2 co-ordinator positions and 3 administrator positions. This is out of 13 or so of us. The thing is, we have had to apply and we all have to have interviews for the jobs we are doing now. It’s frustrating, but I understand that that’s the fair way to do it.

3 people in our office alone have handed in their notices. Two from our team of 5, so there will be 3 of us left to do 5 peoples work which is going to be stressful. But I’m more sad that one of them has gone because she was like my Mum. We went for our lunch yesterday and she was telling me how proud she is of me and how I deserve better. Her daughter suffers with depression and she understands why I’m the way I am. I hate that is shows and it’s so obvious to people, but for the past two or three weeks I have been struggling to get through the day again. I’m still not as low as I was in March/April time, but it’s getting bad. I am crying a lot. I am drinking way too much than I should be and I’m letting people down again because I just want to hide away. I’m getting paranoid about what people think or say about me, sleep is becoming an issue again and I just feel like this work situation is sending me backwards.

Anyway, back on to work. I applied for one of the administrator jobs and my boss emailed me to offer me an interview. I then just had this feeling that I can’t stay there. No matter how petrified I am of starting again, my boss makes my life a struggle. Obviously, I can’t blame everything on her, but she’s horrible and it’s obvious that she dislikes me. Everybody knows it and she’s not afraid to show it.

So I drafted an email back that said “I would like to inform you I am declining your offer on an interview”, I went to the toilet and I prayed (don’t judge me, I don’t even know what I believe, but I felt that I had to do it) for there to be a sign that declining it would be the right thing to do. Nothing really happened but I got back to my desk and I just thought “go with your gut” and I clicked send and felt a strange relief come over me.

Cue my boss reading my email, I saw her look over at me and I knew she was gunning for me. She came over and in front of the whole office (which she loves doing) said in her snotty way, “Oh, you’ve got a new job then?” and I said no. I felt so embarrassed and annoyed that she’d put me on the spot and she’d said it in front of everybody again. I went on to say that I felt it’s time for me to go, but I’d stay until my redundancy date. Obviously, the only thing she’s worried about it me leaving before the projects end and I’m not there to do all the archiving and bringing everything to a close.

It wasn’t a major thing, but I was so angry. I was shaking and I went to the toilet again and thought to myself “do you know what? You shouldn’t have to put up with her speaking to you like that. Say something.” So I went back to my desk and thought “fuck it” and went over to her. I said “Please can I have a few minutes of your time?” and I sat down next to her. I said that I wanted to come over and explain properly the reason why I wasn’t going for the interview. I said that she’d made me feel really uncomfortable asking me in front of everybody and she put me on the spot. I said that my confidence is obviously not that great and I think getting rejected from the job I’m already doing would be a big knock for me and I don’t need it. She went quiet and said “you’ve got as much chance as anybody else” and I looked in her eyes and I said “I don’t think I have though, have I?” – I’m pretty sure she knew what I meant. She has openly admitted that every decision is hers at the end of the day and if she doesn’t like someone, they’re doing. She has a pecking order in her mind and nothing will sway her basically.
She went on to say that we might get new job positions by the time my redundancy date comes up and I might even get a job without having to interview. I said well we’ll just see where the wind blows me, thank you for your time.
I walked away and she said “I just want to say I appreciate you being honest with me, thanks love.”

WHAT.THE.HELL. She’s never spoken to me nicely before, she’s never called me love. I walked away and I felt like the bigger person, if I’m honest I felt proud of myself that I made it clear how uncomfortable she’d made me feel. My team looked at me with wide eyes and two of them whispered to me “I am so, so proud of you.” I was shaking with adrenaline. I couldn’t believe how much it took out of me to do it but I’m so glad I did. I hope now that my boss knows how she makes me feel and I hope the rest of my time there is better.

I wouldn’t mind if I’d given her reason to hate me, but I haven’t. She doesn’t trust me, yet I’ve never given her a reason to not trust me. I overheard my project manager speaking to someone last night saying that I am brilliant. That I have been pushed from pillar to post and I’ve adapted to everything that’s thrown at me. She says she knows she could pile up my desk with work and I’d appreciate the fact she’d given me things to do (which is true) and I never complain. And I do it all. Without mistakes (most of the time). I do hope that I come across that way, but I’m back at that place where I don’t believe it when people tell me nice things. In a meeting the other day, my project co-ordinator had to describe me in three works (but she did 4) and she said “team player, adaptable, sensitive and witty” which I think was really nice of her. But yet again, I don’t believe it.

I hate self doubt. I feel like I’m not living my life how I should be. I have been given a second chance and the past 7 years since I’ve been cancer free I have just been plodding along surviving. Just surviving. Not living.

Yes, I know that only I can change it. But I just want to lay in bed all day, every day.

The end.

One step forward, two steps back.

I’ve wrote two blog posts since the last published post but I ended up just leaving them in my drafts.

I’ve been ok. Which is nice to say. I have had my dosage of citalopram upped by my GP and I’m not having any problems with them (touch wood), I have been having more good days than bad which is such an improvement from a month or so ago.

I found out on Friday that I am at risk of redundancy from my job. I am gutted. It’s not 100% definite yet, but we have officially entered the 30 day consultation period and then after that they only have to give me one weeks notice before I go. So I could be gone within 5 weeks. Fuck. I have started to feel confident there, it’s been a really rough 6/7 months and sticking to it has finally started to feel worth it and now this. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and I’m so sad. I love most of the people there, I enjoy the work and the thought of restarting this whole process scares the shit out of me.

Since I found that out I’ve been feeling really down. I usually wake up really early anyway and struggle to sleep because I’m worrying about silly things (like what to wear that day, whether it needs ironing, traffic. etc) but this morning I was up at 4am and I think I was beginning to have a panic attack. I don’t know, but my chest felt so tight and I felt so agitated and hot and I couldn’t calm down. So I just distracted myself by turning the TV on and rubbing my chest.

I am getting pissed off with anybody and everybody. I know that obviously the way I feel affects the way I think and I try so hard to remind myself that, but when I’m in that frame of mind I just want everybody to go away. I don’t want to go out, but I like getting invited and I build myself to go out and then I get let down. It just frustrates me and I can’t be bothered to say anything because it’s just not worth it. But I can feel myself becoming a recluse again. I go to work, I come home and I sit on my bed. I go and see my Nan once a week, that’s pretty much it. I forced myself to go to my Aunt’s yesterday purely for distraction because I knew that I’d be panicking about my job situation all day. When I got home I drank over half a bottle of vodka and tonight I’m finishing it off. I really shouldn’t be doing it but I don’t even care. I want to be pissed because at least I can get to sleep for a few decent(ish) hours before I wake up.

My Mum and Step Dad have announced they’re moving house. They asked if I have anybody I can move in with but there literally isn’t and it really upsets me because I feel so lonely. Yes, it’s mainly my fault. But I want to move out, financially I can’t afford it on my own. I have no love life, I have hardly any friends anymore and I don’t often see the ones I do have. It’s shit and I don’t help myself…but it’s just shit. I’m almost 26 and I still live at home. I’m drowning in debt and can barely keep my head above the water each month.

Anyway, I’m just on a downer and I have honestly struggled to move all day. I have been eating so much crap these last few days too and I’m beating myself up about it because I’ve lost some weight. Not in a healthy way, I admit…but I’m down to my lowest weight in probably 3, if not more years and it’s going to go back on once I get back in to my routine of binging.

Anyway, I’m going to carry on with my vodka and hopefully fall asleep.

x

One thing

I hate that it takes one thing for me to switch in to a miserable bitch mode.

On my drive home, I was talking about work with a work colleague and she randomly came out with “oh, (boss) still doesn’t like you, does she?” – she laughed as she said it. But I asked why and she said how (boss) was talking to her the other day, saying how it seems like I don’t have much to do anymore and that she doesn’t trust me to do anything else.

I am livid. She can have her opinion of me, but please don’t talk about them to other staff members. I am also livid because I have given her NO reason to not trust me. I have made a few mistakes, but nothing major and people who have been there years do similar things. I’m just sick of doubting myself, finally getting some belief in myself and then hearing that. As for the work load, yes my main project is slowing down as it’s coming to an end, but I help out on another two projects as well and I’m never just sat there with nothing to do. I WANT to learn more, I WANT to do more. Who wants to be bored and clock watch at work?? Not me.

I don’t know what my work colleague thought she’d gain. I’m obviously feeling super sensitive anyway because of the depression and anxiety, but I don’t need anything else to fuel the fire that is already burning like fuck. The good thing is that my team are very supportive, but they could tell me 100 positive things and the one negative thing blows it to pieces. It was only the other day that my project manager was saying how they were all talking about me last week and saying how well I am doing. And how they can literally show me once and I pick up on it…how I can be left to do everything on my own and I don’t need much support. Now I feel like they were talking about it because of what (boss) said because it was obviously in front of them.

I’m just sick of it. The comment she made isn’t a major one, but it feels so much worse when it’s aimed towards me. I have given her no logical reason to dislike me, yet she is a total arse hole to me. About me. It’s just unfair.

Rant over. I just needed to get it out because I hate talking about work at home but it’s going round and round my head and I needed to blurt it all out.

x

Back to reality

I am back from going away for my best friends wedding. I said how I was dreading it and I had my moments, but it was the most amazing wedding and I’m so glad that I made it through. It was so busy and manic, I didn’t have time to think which was a very good thing. I got really (happy) drunk and forgot to take my antidepressant but I don’t feel like it affected me…I didn’t even check if it’s ok to drink on them, but I’m still here so I take it that it’s fine. Ha.

On Thursday night (the wedding eve) I had such a horrible nights sleep. I think I was over tired from lack of sleep but I woke up at about 2am and my heart was racing so hard it felt like it was going to come out of my bloody chest. My mind was racing with scenarios of what could go wrong on the wedding day, I was awake for a good hour or two trying to breathe calmly before I had a full blown panic attack. When I awoke on the wedding day I did have that “oh shit, I’ve woke up” feeling, but as I said before, there was so much to be done that I had no choice BUT to get through the day. It was lovely and very emotional.

Now the photos are here I am in the ‘argh, I hate myself’ frame of mind and I’m just thinking how fat and ugly I look, but I’m always like that. When people say “oh, you look lovely” etc I honestly feel like I’m being lied to. I hate that I’m like that but I can’t help it. I have actually lost weight but when I look in the mirror, I don’t feel like I have. The scales tell me I have, I’ve lost at least one dress size yet I still feel as big as I was before. It’s so stupid because I have all of the proof there, but what I see in the mirror is just a massive ugly bitch staring back at me.

Back to work tomorrow and I’m pissed off and dreading it. I keep thinking how I want to run away, I need to get out of debt so I can go travelling. It has been almost 2 years since I was in Thailand and that’s when I caught the proper travel bug and it’s breaking my heart that I can’t go. I’ve never really been sure of what I’ve wanted to do, but now I do know and I can’t go it’s just SO frustrating…and depressing.

Anyway, the end. Wish me luck on surviving work and my psycho boss.

x

Another day down

I have had a few good days this past week which is great – depression is so confusing. When I have a good day (or even a good few hours) I think to myself ‘oh, maybe I wasn’t depressed in the first place.’

Is procrastination a sign of depression? If so, I have it badly. I am naturally a procrastinator but lately it is awful. I have a massive long, list of things/problems I am running away from. The logic in my brain tells me that putting them off just makes it worse, but it still doesn’t help me be productive.

Even at work I am really struggling, I have an email from almost a month ago that I was meant to ask my project co-ordinater about but I didn’t want to bother her so I kept putting it off…and now it’s so old it’s just going to piss her off to ask now.

Work is shite. I mean I have ok moments, but it’s literally a moment. I’m still crying in the toilet, I’m still wanting to crash my car on the way there every day. It’s so frustrating because I should be so grateful to have a job and to have a decent(ish!) wage for not really doing a great deal. I do work hard, but I am still scared to do so many things (mainly the bloody phone) and I just think it’s ME. It’s not the depression/anxiety taking over, it’s just who I am. A wimp who is barely capable of breathing.

I am waking up at 5am on the dot every morning and I can’t sleep from then on. I lay there and try, but my heart races and I feel sweaty because I’m worrying about what the day will bring. It’s bad because most of the thoughts are totally irrational, but they play and play on my mind until my head wants to explode. The lack of sleep is really getting to me and I spent the majority of my day yawning. I don’t want to wake up at 5am, I don’t need to be away until 7:15. I wake up dreading the day ahead and getting urges to hurt myself enough so that I’ll have an excuse not to go to work.

My team are lovely, really lovely. I do have my head around the work, I shock myself when I do something right. My project co-ordinater is really encouraging and she is always praising me. She has been really understanding with what’s been going on, which is such a relief. But it’s a shame that she’s not my ‘boss boss’ – ‘boss boss’ is just…ugh. I mentioned her in my last post but she’s naturally just a horrible person but more so towards me. A lot of it I think is because I was offered to chance to move on to my team and to stop working on her projects, which I JUMPED at the chance of doing…and she did not like it. She has had many digs at me. I went to make tea for my team and I jokingly said that I had all these tea’s to make, then she just said “Well that’s what happens when you decide to go elsewhere” – there was also a time when she asked me how I felt about moving to a team. I was honest and said I was looking forward to working with other people (which I was, I was so lonely before) and she said “Well, you do know that you can’t run away from your main project as well” which I knew. She’s just spiteful and so obvious with her hatred. I force myself to smile at her, say good morning and goodbye every day and it’s like she only responds because she has to. She is honestly nasty. I feel my body literally tense up when she’s in the vicinity.
A few weeks ago I had two days off sick, now I was actually quite poorly and I hate having time off…but I couldn’t even talk. I could barely get out of bed. When I filled out my sickness form my project co-ordinator told me to really exaggerate it – but the point is, WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO? I shouldn’t. It’s so frustrating. I was told today that she complained I had two days off and wasn’t happy that I have two appointments this week. Bare in mind that I am always doing (unpaid) over time. Today I went in an hour early to leave an hour early and I ALWAYS make my time up. My project co-ordinator had to lie to her and tell her that the appointments were to do with my cancer, not my mental health. The reason being because if ‘boss boss’ knows that I am so depressed and anxious, she really will become worse towards me and I think it’ll push me past breaking point.
Nobody knows how she’s been able to be the way she is for so long, yet no one has ever done anything about it. I wish I had it in me to at least scare her in to PRETENDING to be a nicer person. But I just don’t have it in me.

Anyway, this has just turned in to a massive rant about my job (or boss), but it’s just a huge part of my life and feeling so depressed and anxious is really making it even harder than it should be.

I had an appointment with my GP today to check in and get a prescription for more antidepressants. She asked me if I’d spoken to anyone at home about how I’m feeling and I honestly haven’t. I have told 2 friends, but I just don’t like to share really. I hate being a burden and I will be honest and say that I’m embarrassed. Now, if a family member or friend of mine came up to me and said they were depressed, I wouldn’t judge them or feel they should be embarrassed because they shouldn’t. But for some reason, because it’s me it’s different. My GP said to not stigmatise it, which I don’t…until it’s me. Anyway, I’m sticking to my dosage and hoping they ‘kick in’ soon. My mouth is feeling so dry which she said she can’t promise will go away…it wouldn’t be so bad but I suffer from a dry mouth as a side effect of radiotherapy that I had 7 years ago. But I guess it’s a small thing, a lot of people have a lot worse side effects. I have to visit my GP again in 4 weeks.

I also have an appointment on Wednesday with the mental health nurse, it’ll be my last one as she’s leaving so I’m not sure what will happen next? I kind of like having someone I can talk to for an hour every other week or so. It’s so much easier talking to a stranger than it is a friend or family member.

Anyway, please keep your fingers crossed that I can make it through the rest of my week. I honestly feel shocked when I survive a day. It’s all so overwhelming.

x

Anxious

I am reaching a point where I feel like this depressed, anxious person is just my personality. It’s just who I am and I’m not acting like I do because I’m depressed or anxious. It’s just me. Does that make sense?

Today at work was a really tough day. My boss returned from her three weeks away and the atmosphere instantly changes. She makes a point to blatantly ignore me, or she’ll just be a complete and utter dick to me. See, I don’t know if I’m being extra sensitive because of what is going on in my head? But I hate it. I sat in my car on my lunch break and I was so tempted to drive off and not go back. I woke up and got so angry because I knew I had to go to work. It’s a horrible feeling.

For some reason I am getting even more scared than normal of the phone at work. When it rings my belly flips, it’s horrible. Today, boss decided that she wanted us to do some ‘cold calling’ which is my idea of a NIGHTMARE. We don’t have a choice. We are in an open office, everyone can hear and it’s hell. I am already paranoid about my voice at it is (long story) and when all the staff can hear it, plus a stranger over the phone, it sends my anxiety levels soaring. Somehow, I managed to avoid making a call today but tomorrow it will be unavoidable. Is it bad that I would rather die than go?

Obviously, that is not rational thinking. I will probably be fine, but my mental health state can barely take a tiny, minute thing going wrong lately that I’m so scared I’m going to have a break down over it.

The thing is, I’ve been through crap and got through it fine…surely I can make a fucking phone call without making a tit out of myself? We’ll see.

I have two appointments next week. One with the mental health nurse to check in on how I’m doing and one with my GP to see how my medication is going and to up my dose. Both of these appointments are going to interfere with work and I don’t know how to explain it to my boss. She is such a nasty person that I am 90% sure she won’t be understanding. Of course, I will make my time up, I am always doing (unpaid) overtime anyway but it’s stressing me out. Do I even have to tell her that it’s because I’m depressed? Or can I just say I’ve got personal problems? Luckily, my project co-ordinator is very understanding so I’m hoping we can work together to come up with a way my boss will be ok with it. But it’s just another thing on my mind.

My sleeping has been a bit crap, last night wasn’t the worst but the night before was horrible. I fell asleep about 12:45, woke up at 2am and I felt so weird. My head felt all cloudy and I didn’t feel present. I’m wondering if I was in between asleep and awake? It happened again at 5am too and then I woke up for good at 6, even though I didn’t have to get up until 7:15. It’s so frustrating because lack of sleep makes me feel so grumpy, I can’t eat properly still so that makes me grumpy and I’m just a miserable bitch.
One of my work colleagues said to me yesterday “go on, smile. It doesn’t hurt” and my head was screaming ‘you seriously do not understand how hard it was for me to even step out of bed this morning’ – it’s a horrible feeling. The feeling of dread is constant and although I haven’t cried for a whole day (shocking), I don’t think I feel any better. I want to run away or punish myself (hence the self harm) for things that are 1) probably not even realistic and 2) out of my control.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, which looking from the outside I totally do. I am a bridesmaid for my best friend next Friday and I don’t want to go. Which is bloody ridiculous. I should be excited, yet I’m nervous and dreading it.

I got tearful at my Nan’s the other day and she said to me “you must be feeling down for a reason” and I said that I honestly don’t know, I don’t have any valid reasons for feeling the way I do…which sent her off on a lecture about it’s because I am single, and how I am 25 and should be settled down by now. Love my Nan, but I didn’t need that.

Anyway, needed to rant. Wish me luck for tomorrow. Let’s hope I don’t wake up.

x

Depression.

Just recently, I have been diagnosed with quite severe depression and anxiety. I think that I’ve been on a downward spiral for a long, long time. I thought getting my new job would make me happier, but if anything it has made it worse. Looking back, the signs have been there but I always blamed them on something else.

Anyway, I have now been at my new job for 5 months (mad), I feel a lot more settled in now I am part of a team and have taken on new responsibilities. I won’t lie and say the first 2 months were easy, they were fucking horrible if I am honest and I am rather surprised that I stuck it out. As we were ‘breaking up’ for Christmas, I had decided that I couldn’t go back in the new year. That’s how much of a horrible time I was having. BUT, on Christmas Eve my project co-ordinater took me in the board room and asked if I’d like to move to sit with her and a few other ladies and if I’d like to take on another role…and I would stop working alongside the boss on her projects. I jumped at the chance because said boss is a complete and utter nasty person. I have tried to tell myself that people are the way they are for a reason, but she is just plain horrible and hurtful and she seems to get a kick out of humiliating people (mainly me, because I’m weak and an easy victim.)

She knocked the little confidence I did have in the first month by shouting at me in front of the whole open office. I was particularly hormonal at the time and I burst in to tears, I was humiliated. Seriously. I was annoyed at myself that I let her get to me and my boss of course loved it. It seemed to just make it worse, she picks on me, she ignores me (which is lovely) and the one time she’s praised me I almost fainted in to my chair. Other staff members notice it. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a miserable person and she does have her nasty moments with other people, but because I didn’t stick up for myself she knows she can keep getting at me.

My contract ended at the end of January and I knew that she wanted rid of me. She’d made it quite clear. My project co-ordinator was adamant that I was staying and they literally had a row about it in front of everybody (professional) – thankfully, I was then offered a PERMANANT contract which was confusing because boss usually just gives out another 3 month one. Whatever. Anyway, I had a ‘review’ and boss said that I need to stop being so emotional (because I cried once?) and taking things so personally.

I have tried the nice route. Making conversation is with her but it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. Awkward as fuck. She watches me constantly. Always checks up on me. She came over to talk to my team the other day and looked at me and said “oh, this actually includes you this time” but proceeded to talk to and make eye contact with everyone else but me. NOW, don’t get me wrong…my mental health is currently not good so I could be being paranoid (probably) but it’s the fact that others notice it…but I don’t think I could handle taking it further so whatever. She’s been on holiday for 3 weeks and it’s honestly been so different in the office.

RIGHT, I got a bit sidetracked there.

The anxiety.
Anyway, the funny thing is I didn’t really notice how anxious I have been. Years ago (2009ish) I suffered with awful anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t even leave the house. I have been taking propranolol ever since. Lately I have been feeling flushed quite often, my hands get sweaty, if boss comes over to me and asks a question I can’t THINK or even fucking respond properly. It’s so embarrassing and frustrating because it’s not who I am. I can be quite feisty and defensive and I would stand my ground, but I just don’t have it in me anymore. It’s horrible because I am giving people this image of ‘me’ but it’s NOT ME. It’s really not who I am and I hate it.

The depression.
Since my dog died at the end of January I have been struggling to eat properly which is very unusual for this fatty. I force myself to eat something in the morning (a cereal bar), I usually skip lunch at work (I don’t remember the last time I ate it) and I try and force some dinner down in the evening but I get so full up I can’t finish it. I am not even snacking on crap which is SO WEIRD because I am usually always eating. I have lost weight but I don’t think it’ll keep coming off because I am not being healthy at all. I have headaches every day, I feel sick every day and I just feel like my stomach is in knots (could be the anxiety too.)
My sleep is not great, wake up a lot, wake up early but then I struggle to get out of bed. I have nightmares sometimes and dream all night about bloody work.
I don’t want to see people. People fucking annoy me. I have no patience, I get irritated so easily. Even my younger cousins, I used to LOVE spending time with them but I get so annoyed with them.
My self esteem…well it’s never been great but right now it’s awful. Someone could tell me I have brown hair and I would doubt them. At work I get quite a lot of praise from my project co-ordinator but I always feel like she just says it because she has to. I honestly don’t believe in myself, I am so scared of making mistakes that I am scared to do anything. I can’t make decisions when there’s one to be made. It’s fucking horrible and exhausting because I can do something 100% right and I don’t trust myself so I go over it again and again and again to check it.
Crying. FUCK ME. The tears are exhausting. I have to go to the toilet at work to cry, mainly for no reason but this overwhelming feeling of “fuck”, I wake up most mornings and cry because I have woken up. It’s ridiculous. I can’t stop listening to sad music which I KNOW makes me worse, but it’s like I need to listen to it because I can relate to the lyrics and nobody understannnnddssssssss.
Self harm and suicidal thoughts. I have never understood self harm until now. I got really drunk one night and was so angry at myself for being a failure that I really hurt my arm. Then it got infected and now I have a hideous scar. I am still self harming and I hate myself for it. A couple of people at work figured out how I did my arm even though I made up some lame excuse…I hate that people are seeing it. At work I have been quiet and everyone is noticing, I literally feel so heavy I can’t even be bothered to talk half of the time. My energy is used just to put my two feet out of the bed in the morning that smiling feels so tiring and I know it’s fake.

UGH. I don’t know. I am having such a horrible, horrible time. My problem is I don’t really talk about them, yeah I talk about the small things but not how I’m genuinely feeling. I feel like I am walking around in a daze and wanting to hurt myself even more trigged me to go to see my GP. She was very kind and understanding and referred me to a mental health nurse. I have met with her twice and I am not really sure how I feel about her. She has told me to walk for 5 minutes a day….to distract myself and to do these workbooks on depression, anxiety and self harm. Which I will. The thing is, all of the things she tells me…I know they will help me, but I feel like I can’t even be bothered. I feel so fucked up and so tired of it all and I wish there was an option to escape from me. The nurse told me she thinks I’d benefit from antidepressants which I wasn’t keen on, but after not being about to get out of bed last weekend through crying and the heavy cloud over my head, I went back to see my GP on Friday from work. She was lovely and I cried, she prescribed me a weeks worth of citalopram because she is worried I’d do something with a months worth. I really really didn’t want the medication route, but I feel desperate. So I have taken them 4 days in a row now…I am deathly afraid of the side effects and of having some sort of allergic reaction but this is just my mind and it’s ridiculous thoughts. My body has handled a shit ton of chemo drugs, I’m sure it can handle an antidepressant.
So far the only thing I’ve noticed is a dry mouth. My GP said that I will probably feel like I’m floating on a cloud for a while which I am not looking forward to, especially when I have to properly use my brain at work. She actually wanted to sign me off, but if it wasn’t for work I literally have nothing to get out of bed for. I also don’t get sick pay. Fuck my life.

So, this is just one massive brain vomit here. I have held so much in for so long I feel like I want to scream. I am now worried at how I am going to explain all of this to my boss at work, luckily all of my appointments so far have been while she’s been away…but I have two next week that will affect work and I am not sure she’ll be understanding. She’ll probably enjoy the fact I’m weak and depressed as fuck.

Anyway, I’m shutting up now.

I honestly don’t understand depression even though I’m living it. It’s so confusing.

Hi, I’m Hayley and I’m a spendaholic.

I think that it’s time for me to admit that I am absolutely shit with money. I always thought I was alright with it, but now looking at all of my credit card debt in one place…ouch.

I wish I could say that I treated myself to wonderful gifts, or I had a lot of fun with it, but I haven’t really. I am still paying car insurance from 2 years ago (I thought it’d be wise to pay it yearly, rather than monthly), I am paying for many instances of car repair, I am still paying for my dogs trips to the vet, I am still paying back charity donations, I am still paying back trips to the dentist and I am still paying back general unneccessary use as well as saving my arse from some trouble I got in to a while back.

Now every month I put small amounts of money in to separate online bank accounts that I have: GAP insurance, car tax, Dog/car/teeth emergencies, petrol and a savings account. Although the money I put in is minimal, it helps. I put in the exact amount that will ensure I have the money to pay my cars GAP insurance the month after my car is paid off. I put £11 a month away in to my car tax account because it means I will have exactly the right amount of money in when my car tax is renewed in June. The emergency account has thankfully not been broken in to for a while…but it’s coming. My car is broken. Ughhh.

I am so lucky that I don’t have to pay a lot of rent as I still live at home, yet I still find myself struggling. My main stupid mistake I made was getting a car on finance. See, I absolutely love, love, love my car. I had always dreamed of having a mini and getting one was a huge deal for me. But I wish I realised at the time that I didn’t need a mini. I should have just paid a grand for a car that could get me to and from work safely. If I didn’t have my car payment each month, I could literally be out of debt twice as fast.

I have recently got a new credit card that I can transfer my debt over to. I have managed to get a 0% deal for 34 months which is amazing. But what depressed me was dividing my debt by 34 and realising what the minimum to get out of debt by then is painful. It’s not ridiculously high, but I don’t have that amount of money each month to pay off and that hurts. Knowing that I will be in debt for literally years to come is so depressing and sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in it.

I also phoned one closed one credit card account today, I will do the same for my other one so they temptation isn’t there. I will give my current credit card (with all of the debt on) to someone for safe keeping so I won’t use it. I have also taken my credit card off of my paypal account which is another step.

I have recently got a better paying job, which is awesome. But the difference is I travel 50 miles a day now (rather than 2 miles a day!!) which is costing me. At the moment it’s not too bad because I car share and we take it in turns each week, but my work colleague is leaving in July which means my fuel bill will double.

I shouldn’t moan. My situation is nothing compared to some peoples. I don’t have a mortgage to pay and I don’t have children to pay for, which is bloody lucky because I struggle to manage as it is.

My ultimate goal is to be debt free and to stay that way. I want to pack a bag and go travelling, knowing that I don’t have any money worries to come home to. People tell me to just go, the debt will stay here and wait…I wish I could do that.

I will see this in person again one day, I will, I will.

Making mistakes.

So, something crazy has happened. I have got a new job. Ahhhhhhh.

I’m excited, but mostly scared. It’s something completely different to what I’ve been doing for 3 years. I honestly don’t feel like I can do it, mainly because my current job is kind of brain numbing and I just don’t have to think. It’s so easy, it is easy money. But I’m sick of it. I am bored, I am depressed being there and the only thing that gets me through is knowing that my friend will be there, even for a few hours of my working day.

I am really scared that I am making a mistake. Am I doing the right thing by leaving a job that is secure? A job that I am so used to. I could do it with my eyes closed. I am terrified of making mistakes because I hate the feeling of regret.

My new job is a 3 month fixed term contract, which makes me feel sick…but I have been reassured by my new boss and other staff members that that is how every staff member is employed. Everyone starts on that contract and then they get taken on permanently if they prove they are capable. I hope to God I am capable. Deep down, I probably am…but my confidence with doing something different is pretty low. But, if I look back on how I was when I started my current job, I have come so far.

I can go further.

My current job is comfortable. Really comfortable. I have been there for 3 years, it is literally a 3 minute drive from my house (don’t judge me, I like my sleep), I get paid minimum wage but I have a full time contract which is pretty unheard of in retail (unless you’re in management). It’s flexible, I work weird hours, but they can work around me when I need to go to the hospital, or to take my Nan somewhere. etc. 2 years ago, it was fucking awful. I went through a shocking time and I’m actually pretty surprised I stuck it out. That’s stubbornness for you. But for the past, I don’t know, maybe year…everybody seems to be getting on a lot better. I have learnt to do everything I can do, I like being bossy when I need to be. I love instructing people, I love doing things properly (that’s the OCD in me) but it’s just not enough. The money is lame, I get paid less to do more. The people who get paid more, do less. Go figure. I rarely get weekends off, I rarely get two days off together which makes me feel like I don’t get a real break.

My new job is more money, but it is a 50 mile round trip every day which I’m not looking forward to. I know one person there which will be reassuring, it’s 9-5 Monday – Friday. I will have a week off for Christmas which is just foreign to me. I hope it will be good for me. Even if I only last the 3 months, I have done something different and earned a little bit more money (after petrol costs, thank goodness I can car share)…please God, let it be good for me.

My ultimate goal is to earn more money to become debt free. Not being able to travel this year has been fucking horrible. It depresses me. I haven’t even been able to go somewhere for a weekend which may have satisfied my craving a little. But I WILL BE DEBT FREE, even if it takes me years.

I will be debt free.

I will go travelling.

Being Alone

Today I received a text message from a work colleague. (Try and forget about the fact this 45 year old woman texts like an illiterate teenager.)

Translation: You’re a loser going to the cinema on your own, haha.

I had popped in to work to get a few snacks for the cinema and I had mentioned that I was going on my own. Apparently after I left there were sniggers and some “loser” comments.

Now, it doesn’t surprise me because a lot of the people I work with are so close minded I’m surprised they’ve survived life so far without either being punched in the face, or sacked for racism, sexism or homophobia. (That’s for another blog post)

Now, I went to the cinema on my own because:

1) I have an unlimited card and don’t want to waste my money by paying £16.40 a month and not seeing at least 2 or 3 films.

2) A lot of my friends/family members work different days and hours to me, so it’s usually awkward trying to arrange it. We do go sometimes though.

3) I wanted to go to the cinema. Simple.

I just wish that people wouldn’t see it as a bad thing. Now, I have a confession. When I had just left school, one of my old friends used to go to the cinema on her own quite a lot and I used to think it was weird. I’ll blame it on me being immature.

So, the first time I went alone to the cinema was earlier this year. I felt SO nervous. Which is totally bloody stupid. But I walked in, and it was packed. I felt my face burning and I sat two seats in to the row because I wanted people to think that I was waiting for someone. I will also confess that on my drive home, I cried. Because I did feel alone and I had nobody to talk to about the film.

Then after a while I thought ‘hang on a minute, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I went to the cinema on my own. I wanted to watch a film. Does it mean I’m a loner? No. It just means I wanted to watch a bloody film.’

Now I go on my own more often than I do with somebody, and I think that’s ok. I actually really enjoy it.

I probably spend more time on my own than the ‘average’ person. I LOVE spending time with people, don’t get me wrong. But I love spending time with just me too. I can do what I want, I can chill out, watch a film, read a book…or just go shopping. It’s nice.

People need to open their minds a little and realise it’s ok for somebody to be alone. When you see someone in a restaurant on their own and feel sorry for them, please don’t. They’re probably just hungry and want some dinner.

We are probably all aware that I’d love to go travelling and I used to think that I could never go on my own. But I actually think I’d be ok. I’d be shit scared (with or without a companion) but I believe it would help my confidence. It would force me to speak to people and meet people. It would be great.

One day, my friends, one day.

*

I took this photo at the MoMA in New York in June 2011. It’s a simple piece of artwork by On Kawara, but it really hit home as I was still mentally trying to deal with having had cancer. It made me feel grateful.

I must do a blog post on New York. I recently read a book based there and it’s making me want to go back and spend longer there. It’s AMAZING.