I’ve been a bit wobbly again for these past few weeks. I think that it’s because of work and I think maybe my antidepressants just aren’t kicking it anymore? I don’t know. I know that they’re not the cure for depression so maybe I do need to go to CBT or something. I have self referral forms which I really should fill out.
I think the main reason I’m feeling so bad is work, like I said. I am being made redundant and it’s been up in the air for over a month now. The company is cutting it’s staff from 97 to 36 I think which is a huge drop. In my office, there is 2 co-ordinator positions and 3 administrator positions. This is out of 13 or so of us. The thing is, we have had to apply and we all have to have interviews for the jobs we are doing now. It’s frustrating, but I understand that that’s the fair way to do it.
3 people in our office alone have handed in their notices. Two from our team of 5, so there will be 3 of us left to do 5 peoples work which is going to be stressful. But I’m more sad that one of them has gone because she was like my Mum. We went for our lunch yesterday and she was telling me how proud she is of me and how I deserve better. Her daughter suffers with depression and she understands why I’m the way I am. I hate that is shows and it’s so obvious to people, but for the past two or three weeks I have been struggling to get through the day again. I’m still not as low as I was in March/April time, but it’s getting bad. I am crying a lot. I am drinking way too much than I should be and I’m letting people down again because I just want to hide away. I’m getting paranoid about what people think or say about me, sleep is becoming an issue again and I just feel like this work situation is sending me backwards.
Anyway, back on to work. I applied for one of the administrator jobs and my boss emailed me to offer me an interview. I then just had this feeling that I can’t stay there. No matter how petrified I am of starting again, my boss makes my life a struggle. Obviously, I can’t blame everything on her, but she’s horrible and it’s obvious that she dislikes me. Everybody knows it and she’s not afraid to show it.
So I drafted an email back that said “I would like to inform you I am declining your offer on an interview”, I went to the toilet and I prayed (don’t judge me, I don’t even know what I believe, but I felt that I had to do it) for there to be a sign that declining it would be the right thing to do. Nothing really happened but I got back to my desk and I just thought “go with your gut” and I clicked send and felt a strange relief come over me.
Cue my boss reading my email, I saw her look over at me and I knew she was gunning for me. She came over and in front of the whole office (which she loves doing) said in her snotty way, “Oh, you’ve got a new job then?” and I said no. I felt so embarrassed and annoyed that she’d put me on the spot and she’d said it in front of everybody again. I went on to say that I felt it’s time for me to go, but I’d stay until my redundancy date. Obviously, the only thing she’s worried about it me leaving before the projects end and I’m not there to do all the archiving and bringing everything to a close.
It wasn’t a major thing, but I was so angry. I was shaking and I went to the toilet again and thought to myself “do you know what? You shouldn’t have to put up with her speaking to you like that. Say something.” So I went back to my desk and thought “fuck it” and went over to her. I said “Please can I have a few minutes of your time?” and I sat down next to her. I said that I wanted to come over and explain properly the reason why I wasn’t going for the interview. I said that she’d made me feel really uncomfortable asking me in front of everybody and she put me on the spot. I said that my confidence is obviously not that great and I think getting rejected from the job I’m already doing would be a big knock for me and I don’t need it. She went quiet and said “you’ve got as much chance as anybody else” and I looked in her eyes and I said “I don’t think I have though, have I?” – I’m pretty sure she knew what I meant. She has openly admitted that every decision is hers at the end of the day and if she doesn’t like someone, they’re doing. She has a pecking order in her mind and nothing will sway her basically.
She went on to say that we might get new job positions by the time my redundancy date comes up and I might even get a job without having to interview. I said well we’ll just see where the wind blows me, thank you for your time.
I walked away and she said “I just want to say I appreciate you being honest with me, thanks love.”
WHAT.THE.HELL. She’s never spoken to me nicely before, she’s never called me love. I walked away and I felt like the bigger person, if I’m honest I felt proud of myself that I made it clear how uncomfortable she’d made me feel. My team looked at me with wide eyes and two of them whispered to me “I am so, so proud of you.” I was shaking with adrenaline. I couldn’t believe how much it took out of me to do it but I’m so glad I did. I hope now that my boss knows how she makes me feel and I hope the rest of my time there is better.
I wouldn’t mind if I’d given her reason to hate me, but I haven’t. She doesn’t trust me, yet I’ve never given her a reason to not trust me. I overheard my project manager speaking to someone last night saying that I am brilliant. That I have been pushed from pillar to post and I’ve adapted to everything that’s thrown at me. She says she knows she could pile up my desk with work and I’d appreciate the fact she’d given me things to do (which is true) and I never complain. And I do it all. Without mistakes (most of the time). I do hope that I come across that way, but I’m back at that place where I don’t believe it when people tell me nice things. In a meeting the other day, my project co-ordinator had to describe me in three works (but she did 4) and she said “team player, adaptable, sensitive and witty” which I think was really nice of her. But yet again, I don’t believe it.
I hate self doubt. I feel like I’m not living my life how I should be. I have been given a second chance and the past 7 years since I’ve been cancer free I have just been plodding along surviving. Just surviving. Not living.
Yes, I know that only I can change it. But I just want to lay in bed all day, every day.